And just like that, it came to a halt. The final curtain was dropped, and we decided to ride into the sunset aboard different steeds. It’s not goodbye, no not by a long shot - it’s not a final bow, nor is it a parting of ways for good, but a “see you next time”, if you will. As much as it does hurt, and believe me when I say it does, I know at the end of the day in my heart of hearts that it’s what needed to happen. I know that it’s not my fault, nor is it anybody’s fault, it’s just we’re victims of unfair circumstance and that finally became too heavy a cross to bear and we made the decision we needed to. It really is unfair circumstance to drive a stake between two of the same and force them to try and keep afloat - expecting them to do it is not something anybody should be subject to. So perhaps someday, in the future when the time is right, we’ll reunite and make things work as we know they could, and I honestly hope dearly that we do get to. And if not, I know that at the end of the day, in all the fading sunsets that come and go and all the nights that come to pass, I still have that in my heart, that little piece of something magical, and that little corner in time where for a moment, we were the rulers of our own beautiful kingdom. And I know, above all else, I still have the most beautiful friend in the world - the single most important fact. It’s finally became clear to me that the reason things were so wonderful is exactly because of that, because of a friendship so strong it grew and flourished into something massive and beautiful. I know I’ve still got the one person in the world, who despite all of my falldowns and fuck-ups can still love and admire me for being something special, and someone worthwhile who can achieve anything in the boundless scapes of reality. So thank you, friend, thank you for being the companion I need above and beyond anything that may have fallen by the wayside. No sad goodbyes, none of that other bullshit that’s too messy, just a shelving until a better time when finally we can show the world what we’re made of, if it ever arrives to that.

I’m not bitter, nor am I angry. I have no reason to be. I haven’t lost anything, I’ve just changed what I call my best friend, and call the single person in the universe who has ever made me feel genuinely perfect, and at ease in my skin. I’ll miss you friend, I truly will - but then, as long as you’re my friend I’m the luckiest person in the world.

To new beginnings and friends of old - here’s to the future. Things may have changed, but the phoenix has only just began to stir.

And so, 24 hours into an exercise in forgetting and rebuilding it seems I’ve already failed the objective, and it seems I’ll continue to fail no matter how hard I want to succeed. I guess sometimes I’m a strong person when I’ve got a remaining apostle to keep me challenging and keep me fording the river, but as soon as you take that key piece away from my existence I crumble under the pressure like a wafer under a truck tire. I fall to dust and lose all function. Why? I don’t know whether it’s just routine or just what my mind has built up as needing, but either way it’s definitely something that is destined to make this an exercise in futility for me. I’ve already proven it’s hard enough to go 24 hours, how am I going to go extended periods? I guess the long-term gain is a worthwhile investment, but being as weak as I am when everything around me has dissolved really makes investments, no matter how sound, somewhat of a pipe dream. I guess a big part of it is not knowing the infinite implications of it, like if it’s going to be for good or if it’s gonna pan out that it crumbles or if we change so much as to make it impossible… this infinite of unknown, although the same as what I already had, is not ideally something I want looming. It’s like being a pawn in a game of Chess - you’re forever stuck at the mercy of your master just waiting for your turn for the inevitable to unfold and play out. Of course I’m not playing with swords - but the meaning of the metaphor couldn’t be truer because it feels like I am facing a sword. And quite frankly, it’s pretty angering to be at this point, even if I know that in the end it’s for the best and in the end it’s gonna be something that is necessary to growth on both parts. It’s angering to be thrust to this position given the position we occupied prior to my departure. And most of all, it’s angering that opposing issues lead to the same outcome. I don’t like this loneliness that sits in my belly and eats away at me, making even the smallest task seem like climbing Everest, and I don’t like the feeling of melancholy and worthlessness that follows from being incapable of achieving the smallest of tempests. Right now I’m down in the hole, and I don’t like being here. And even when I fight to get out, something else comes along and dumps on top of me. Sic vita est? The last words of a dying man. I’m not dying, I’ve got plenty of life left, but fuck, I’m still in the same place he was when he stepped onto that hallowed drop. I don’t like it, as necessary it is, but I guess I need to lay in the bed that I’ve made. Let’s just hope it’s not jumping from the frying pan into the fire, and hope the storm is one we can weather.

I made a promise to myself to keep me going, and made a promise to myself to ensure I arrive where I need to - but doing that is something that I’m not sure I can do. It’s like a game of Blackjack where you know the dealer has at least 20 and you’re sitting on 19, waiting for that one card to come out of the deck. The odds are fairly easy to calculate. Is it impossible to do it by way of statistics? No, not by any length. Is it difficult? You can guarantee it. It’s a game of mathematics where you know the statistical chance of achieving an outcome you want, and generally if you know how to exploit those statistics you stand in good chance of a positive return. In that one circumstance banking on a 2 of any face to beat the dealer’s 20 you have roughly 1:12 chance in the absolute best circumstance. Remove one 2 of any face into play and that chance escalates to roughly 1:16, remove two and it’s roughly 1:23 chance, remove 3 and you’re looking at roughly 1:45 chance. In the way of gambling those are fairly safe odds, however in this there is so many factors that bump those statistical figures to what would seem like picking the A♠ out of a million random cards with only one A♠ hidden there. Of course that is easy to work out mathematically, 1:1000000 chance, but a 1 in a million shot is something that seems almost a sure shot at failure. Even thinking about it it becomes, in terms of pure numbers, a fool’s game. Of course the deck is somewhat stacked in our favour in that we’re playing with the majority of the trumps in our hand - however, having the majority of trumps does not guarantee you’ll walk away with the pot. I’m not a gambling man, but I guess this is one gamble I needed to take.

Throw me to the spiders? Indeed. Let’s hope they’re friendly.

So for the first time in a few short hours, I finally get to take part in the act of democracy. It’s something I’ve wanted to partake in since I was like… 10? I dunno. Alls I know is I was heartbroken I didn’t get to vote in the last election - it would’ve still panned out exactly the same, but the fact I didn’t get to share my own opinion make it seem shit. But finally.. I get to actually stand up and have a say.

That isn’t to say democracy isn’t without its flaws, and even that the candidates are without theirs. Sure, our system is substantially better than for example, the system that’s instated in the United States. For example - the comparatively easy and open entry for independent and minority parties into the Senate helps steer us further from the de-facto two-party system we’ve forged over the last while - the ability for a no-namer to stand up against the Coalition, et al is conducive to an effective government in letting people lead as will assist the people, and not as the hierarchy of more established parties and internal policy purport leadership should take place. However, one major downside to our system is that de-facto two-party stance, particularly in the House of Representatives. An independent or a lower status party getting representation in the House is almost unheard of - which is quite sad really given the size of the House of Representatives as opposed to the size of the Senate (150 seats decided via preferential voting as compared to 76 seats decided via proportionalised transferable vote, respectively) - even if in effect they have very similar roles in parliament. It works, but only because it’s been forced to do so.

Now the candidates are ones that worry me a lot… on one hand I hate Peter Costello and do not trust the man as far as I could kick him out of a moving vehicle - as a treasurer he’s some kind of miracle and has proven so over the last 11 years - but as a leader I don’t feel he has the capacity to lead in a manner which is both functional and diplomatic on both a federal level, and an international one… and on the other hand, I think Kevin Rudd is a lying arsehole - a snake in the grass, if you will - with the very real potential to ride us and the quite fragile economy we’ve forged since the last Labor leadership into the ground over the next term if he’s elected tomorrow. I personally don’t feel that Labor has the capacity to handle the economy in its current state given the nature of international relations at present - Labor’s stance on our military ties with the United States, while sane, do offer the potential for severing a very necessary tie for continued growth. Economically, there’s a lot riding on the outcome of tomorrow… if we do see a changing of the guard a lot of the ideas Labor have - while admirable - have that potential to backfire and drive us back into recession. This too can be said of the Coalition - the current administration have a few questionable ideas - WorkChoices is one thing that could be a double-edged sword if not maintained closely. It’s pretty evenly split down the middle, and everyone I’ve asked has said the exact same thing. It’s an election which actually begs of us to really question the motives and morals of our leadership - incumbent and future - and really assess exactly what they’re saying. For example, promising interest rate falls and similar sorts of things is bullshit which most people fail to recognise, for that to happen an economy needs to continue to thrive - and even then, it’s at the discretion of the Federal Reserve Bank. Sadly, most people take this sort of thing into consideration and because of it, they get caught up in it on the election trail.

In leaving - don’t fix something if it ain’t already broke. I’m rational and enjoy a very comfortable spot in the middle ground - but I also enjoy a stable spot here too. I know exactly what I’m writing on the ballot tomorrow.

So… back into the realm of blogging. S’been a while, but thems the breaks I guess. Part of the reason for such a long departure from doing it every day as I once was is because quite simply… I didn’t feel like writing anything. I kind of got burned out on it after forcing myself to, every day over the course of the year after I broke up with Erin… kind of a personal therapy if you will. It just got to the point of tedium and I didn’t like that aspect - everything I was putting here, everything I had in my mind to output was becoming stale and quite simply unenticing to continue. The other big part of it was because I simply didn’t have the time to justify writing stuff that was overall boring and not all that important on the hierarchy of life priorities. Between work and everything going on at home, there just wasn’t enough hours in the day. But - I’ve decided I’m gonna start using this thing frequently again - in conjunction with a few other projects I’ve got on the boil. Basically, in terms of web I’ve got the following:

• newklear.org - this website. The format will be slightly changed, and I’ll be (hopefully) refreshing the interface sometime in the near future as time permits. Think something that just smacks of me and you’ll be somewhere on the trail of what I’m aiming for
• goodbyebluesky.info/cogito - semi-regular home of music reviews and all things of that nature. Because, obviously, I review music a fair bit, even if I don’t actually write it down. Hooray for nerdom!
• anycolouryoulike.info/typo - as many of you already know, this is my design blog. Hasn’t been updated in a while because frankly I haven’t been around much design lately… but we’ll see how it goes. I’ll be chronicling my development of the interface for the parent domain (anycolouryoulike.info) over the next little while as I make progress. Because progress is awesome and everyone likes to know the inside workings of things that’re out of the ordinary.
• anycolouryoulike.info - My personal portfolio that I’ll be unveiling… sometime…? I dunno. It’s a little while off yet - the backend system that drives the interface is gonna take a fair bit of coding and perfecting before I go live with it. Think minimalism - with a twist.
• photo.benjaminalldridge.info - Place where photos go! I’m gonna make a photoblog branch of it shortly, allowing me to post the highlights of what I shoot with my Canon EOS 20D. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do - just never had the money for a film scanner or even film. So now, digital has the technology!

And that’s about the highlghts of my web presence for now. As for other junk - like real world junk - the impending jump across the creek is coming at a mindbogglingly fast pace, like scarily. But at any rate, it’ll be a good time. At least I hope so. Everyone says I’m gonna get shot or some shit… I guess it’s probably highly likely given some of the outlandish shit I come out with that’d be easily able to offend most people in the general vicinity. Especially angry Mexicans and Negroids. Everyone loves those! Except George W. Bush, as Kanye West correctly identified.

Speaking of Kanye - his new album is unspeakably shit - don’t waste your time buying it. Or even downloading it if that’s your style. It’ll make you weep. … actually in hindsight, that’s pretty similar to Late Registration too I guess. Can’t win ‘em all, eh?

OH! Other stuff and nonesense includes me looking to acquire a rather large Marine aquarium - stocked with various Clownfish (Amphiprion ocellaris, Premnas biaculeatus, Amphiprion percul, and Amphiprion frenatus), a few Butterflyfish (I’m yet to decide what kinds), and a few corals. It’ll be interesting to see what my first foray into Marine aquaculture goes like. Untohere I’ve been pretty successful with my freshwater ventures - but it can sadly only give so much enjoyment without spending the same sorts of figures you’re looking at to go salty anyway. I’ll be sure to take some photos of it. In time.

Anywhom, I’m out. Welcome back to the party, people. Things are just starting to get interesting.

By the way - here - have a photo:

Look! It’s a beer!

Big dawg, out.

Wow, it’s been a bit of a while, hasn’t it? Why? Because, to be completely honest, I’ve been too exhausted lately to really write much. I’ve been working basically full-time hours, combined with not sleeping too well and taking care of a bunch of other stuff. So, combined together, it’s meant complete silence from me. Makes sense eh?

In the meantime, I went apeshit and bought a bunch of stuff. In fact, part of that is why it’s been so long. See, one morning before work I accidentally bumped one of the power leads on my computer while putting my work boots on. What did it lead to? It lead to the computer being a goner. Gone. Finito. Suffice to say, I was kind of shitting myself at the prospect of $1500+ to get something reasonable, but through a few contacts and some looking around I managed to get a decent system together for under a grand. By “decent”, I mean the following:

• Athlon64 X2 4600+ (2.4GHz) OC’d to 2512MHz stable
• ASUStek M2N4-SLI
• Palit GeForce 8600GT 256MB PCI-e OC’d to 650MHz (core) & 800MHz (memory)
• 3GB Corsair DDR2-4200
• ASUStek SATA 18x LightScribe DVD-RAM
• Western Digital SATA-II 320GB 16MB cache

When I only had a gig of RAM in it and it was running stock speeds without the dual core patch, I was at around 6,000 on PCMark06. So when I test it now, I should be looking at rather bigger numbers. Sometime soon. Mostly I’ve just been dedicating my CPU cycles to Folding@home, what I consider to be a really good cause. You should sign up for it too if you’ve not already, the progress they’ve already made is incredible.

To boot, although I’ve not really been doing much art lately, I’ve embarked on a few projects. One of them is repainting my guitar, completely by hand. Thus far I’ve stripped and refinished the body and scratchplate, fixed some wiring and mated it to a Behringer X V-Amp unit (I’ve already got an Akai D1 Shred-O-Matic and a BOSS CE-3), sounds pretty damn good. I’ll wait ’til the entire setup is finished before I am completely decided on it.

On a totally different tangent, I’m now the proud owner of the following:

Yep. Decided to get myself another camera to shoot with, so I got a [relatively] cheap Canon EOS 30 body with an undisclosed USM lens, and a Canon EF F/1.8 50mm MkII lens. I figure I’ve got 3 lenses now so I’ve got a bit to choose from, especially the 50mm which I’ve heard nothing but praise for. Admittedly my EF f/4.5-5.6 35mm-105mm won’t be a whole lot of use for most applications now because I prefer to shoot faster stuff, but it’s still there if I need it. So, expect to see photos. Maybe I’ll even set up a photoblog on one of my newly acquired domains? (The list is now newklear.org, somethingnothing.net, anycolouryoulike.info, drenigmatic.info, goodbyebluesky.info, eponymousfunk.info, heyyouyeahyou.info [the most likely one I'll use], and of course the eponymous benjaminalldridge.info) I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Oh well internet. Until next time, peace out and shiz.