I am the son, and the heir, of nothing in particular.

Perhaps if you still cared I could still let you down as ever. And perhaps if I had amnesia, then I could forget that you still mean the world to me.

How much? Well, the lengths I’m going to to keep them is pretty crazy. That being said, they give me so much enjoyment I don’t really see the major issue in it so it’s okay. As anyone who knows me well could tell you I’m utterly obsessed with marine fish & aquariums and have wanted to keep one of my own for the majority of my life - something I will finally be coming to realise over the course of the next few weeks. After a recent outbreak of algae thanks to my tank’s current location in direct sunlight all day I’ve been left with a bare tank - something simply not good enough. So rather than fill it back up with tropical (freshwater) fish due to its smaller than ideal size, I’ve opted to go for the nano reef route, something which I feel will not only give me something to spend a lot of my spare time on, but that is at the end of the day going to offer me a much higher enjoyment factor.

Overall it is going to be a fairly simple system, comprised of the following - my 70L tank (2ft x 18′ x 1ft); a 1000L/h canister filter with a carbon/wool/bionode/zeolite segments (in that order); 2 300L/h adjustable flow powerheads; a 2×40w Power Compact light fixture with 10000k globes; 15lb of Fiji live rock; 20lb of Fiji live sand; and a 300w thermostat-controlled titanium heater. The important part about it is that it’s going to rely on the Berlin Method of filtration (primarily biological via live rock/sand). That was one thing I decided on after tossing up the practicality of having a remote sump filter instead of the canister - doing so limited me severely and didn’t provide the ideals I wanted. So, Berlin Method, here I come!

As for what I’m stocking it with, for a start I’m going to stick to 2 pair of Clownfish, most likely False Perculas (Amphiprion ocellaris), and a few smaller corals. Only time shall tell what happens, eh? It’ll have a cleanup crew of most likely Peppermint Shrimp or Blood Shrimp, and maybe a smaller crab. I’m aiming for diversity so depending on the day I might end up with just a pair of Clownfish and perhaps 2 Gobies or something. Seeings this is my first foray into saltwater keeping I don’t want to get too technical right out of the gate, however I’m fairly confident I’m on a winning setup.

Cycling should take around a week and a half given the method of cycling I’ll be aiming for - dosing the tank with pure ammonia - which will see me ready to add the fish to the tank without issues and give me a fairly strong biohandling ability from the out.

So, I’ll post some photos once it’s all set up with the live rock and sand in place. Right now it looks kind of like shit because I’ve not bothered cleaning it knowing I’ll be emptying it and giving it a complete cleanout over the coming days, so I’m gonna take photos of it at every stage. Hooray for that!

So like, how many others of you keep fish and/or other glamour pets? You know, pets that’re kind of obscure. Lizards, corals, frogs, sharks, moose… anything! Also, someone needs to help me name my corals (yes, I’m going to name them) and fish because according to at least one reliable source I’m terrible at naming animals. Bring on your suggestions*.

* Please note: any and all suggestions of “Nemo”, “Dory”, or similar will be met with a prompt smack to the forehead. You are warned.

UPDATE! I have some photos I’ve taken so far of it as it stands, and I will be adding them progressively as I do more with it.

The empty tank waiting to be filled

Just after dumping some 2.5kg of salt into my water (I’m gunning for around 1.026 sg)

Last night after letting the tank cycle through for around 7 hours or so

About 15 minutes ago after letting it run for the last 30 hours or so with the airstone and all filters running. Current water params: sg 1.026, pH 8.5, 25.3ºC/77.5ºF, other traces undetectable

EDIT 2: Live rock and so forth now in the tank, cycling has begun!

Tank just as I’ve arranged my live rock, all in all I ended up with 16lb of Fiji rock

About 10 minutes ago after adding the crushed coral base and letting the tank stabilise. Thankfully seeings the rock was already semi-cured the system has spiked fairly high already at the start of the cycle. Current water params: sg 1.026, pH 8.2, 26.2ºC/79.1ºC, Ammonia 1ppm, Nitrate 10ppm

And just like that, it came to a halt. The final curtain was dropped, and we decided to ride into the sunset aboard different steeds. It’s not goodbye, no not by a long shot - it’s not a final bow, nor is it a parting of ways for good, but a “see you next time”, if you will. As much as it does hurt, and believe me when I say it does, I know at the end of the day in my heart of hearts that it’s what needed to happen. I know that it’s not my fault, nor is it anybody’s fault, it’s just we’re victims of unfair circumstance and that finally became too heavy a cross to bear and we made the decision we needed to. It really is unfair circumstance to drive a stake between two of the same and force them to try and keep afloat - expecting them to do it is not something anybody should be subject to. So perhaps someday, in the future when the time is right, we’ll reunite and make things work as we know they could, and I honestly hope dearly that we do get to. And if not, I know that at the end of the day, in all the fading sunsets that come and go and all the nights that come to pass, I still have that in my heart, that little piece of something magical, and that little corner in time where for a moment, we were the rulers of our own beautiful kingdom. And I know, above all else, I still have the most beautiful friend in the world - the single most important fact. It’s finally became clear to me that the reason things were so wonderful is exactly because of that, because of a friendship so strong it grew and flourished into something massive and beautiful. I know I’ve still got the one person in the world, who despite all of my falldowns and fuck-ups can still love and admire me for being something special, and someone worthwhile who can achieve anything in the boundless scapes of reality. So thank you, friend, thank you for being the companion I need above and beyond anything that may have fallen by the wayside. No sad goodbyes, none of that other bullshit that’s too messy, just a shelving until a better time when finally we can show the world what we’re made of, if it ever arrives to that.

I’m not bitter, nor am I angry. I have no reason to be. I haven’t lost anything, I’ve just changed what I call my best friend, and call the single person in the universe who has ever made me feel genuinely perfect, and at ease in my skin. I’ll miss you friend, I truly will - but then, as long as you’re my friend I’m the luckiest person in the world.

To new beginnings and friends of old - here’s to the future. Things may have changed, but the phoenix has only just began to stir.

So I’m fairly sure that I’ve fucked up, and yes, you can be sure it hurts. I’m fairly sure I’ve crossed the line into alienation and I’m fairly sure that I don’t want to be here. The more I think about it, the more apparent it seems. And it’s not just me who seems to be picking up on it - those around me are too. That’s really very, very scary when you’re stuck, in the middle of trying for transmutation, and you’re trying to be this huge, amazing thing when you’re trapped being little more than an ant in a maze. I’m really making an effort - I truly am, I’m trying to do everything I said I would because I think it’s worth it to do it. Not only that, I’m sick of being stuck in the hole I am. Right now I’m trapped in an infinite feedback loop of boredom in literally everything, finding everything in the world - even that I love, to be mundane and stupid. Everything is a bore. I can’t bring myself to do anything because I know I’ll just become frustrated with knowing I love something but not being able to feel anything except for absolute apathy for it. Nobody deserves to be stuck in that hole. Not only that, but it’s really fucking scary to be facing down the barrel of a gun looking imminent to go off, facing down the hole of being 21 and unemployed, and losing even more of what keeps me here. The concept of being out of work really, blatantly rips at my heartstrings and makes me want to scream into the infinite blue about fucking nothing, because really, fucking nothing is all I have left inside. What was once a beautiful garden is now swiftly becoming a heavily wintered derelict eyesore, an affront to all that is beautiful and right in the world. I can feel myself becoming evermore bitter, and evermore dissatisfied with the world around me. I can’t make ends meet and every day I’m stuck here I’m slipping further and further from my goals. I’ve got a lot of goals, as unspoken as they remain, and seeing them once more go by the wayside fucking kills me inside even more still. I don’t want to be like this, no way. I know I’ve got infinite potential, everybody always tells me that, and I used to believe it. I know I’ve got at least some potential that’s being laid to waste by me not being able to give the world my gifts. Let’s face it, I’m not dumb by any space of the word, but right now I can feel my brain becoming a stagnant swamp of cynicism and hatred, a poignant reminder that once I wasn’t like this. Maybe it’s just a phase, and maybe I’m just losing the forest for the trees - but the taste of regret lingering in the roof of my mouth and the air of disappointment in myself basically ensures I stay here, trapped, forever. I know I’ve done wrong - as hard as I’ve been trying otherwise and I hope that it is clear that I have been trying to the very best of my ability - and living with that cross to bear is horrific. It’s like being forced to be a martyr. Nobody needs that. Nobody needs that painful reminder looming over their head when they’re doing their best to honestly improve themselves and sort their shit out so they can get back to what is good in life, and actually feel some emotion except the overpowering nothingness of apathy. It’s a surreal feeling being trapped in limbo between apathy and depression - it’s almost like you’re observing yourself from outside, watching things you know should crush or elate you, and only being able to feel a dull blankness inside your veins. Little more is exciting, and the longer this goes on, the further it seems hope is a lost beacon in an angry sea. In fact, it feels like right now I’m stuck as a rope in a perpetual tug-of-war between Kansas’, “Carry On Wayward Son”, and Jimmy Eat World’s, “What I Would Say To You Now” - both songs which have became increasing important to me as I try to fight for air in the molasses of life. Music has become most of what I have left, being that in a last-ditch effort to actually pay my bills and try and improve my life somewhat I’ve been forced to put my camera gear up for sale - now that stings to even think about. It’s basically the only thing I’ve been able to feel in days. Scary, eh.

I’m staring down the barrel of 21, and I’m fearing I may have broken a promise I made to myself. That, my friends, I fear could very well be the thing that breaks me. Living with regret of bad decisions is one thing, but living with that is horrific… may the universe have mercy on my tattered soul, and guide me to where I need to be to grow. I’m on my knees, I’m begging of you - let me be everything I can be. Let me show you what Benjamin Alldridge truly is.

And so, 24 hours into an exercise in forgetting and rebuilding it seems I’ve already failed the objective, and it seems I’ll continue to fail no matter how hard I want to succeed. I guess sometimes I’m a strong person when I’ve got a remaining apostle to keep me challenging and keep me fording the river, but as soon as you take that key piece away from my existence I crumble under the pressure like a wafer under a truck tire. I fall to dust and lose all function. Why? I don’t know whether it’s just routine or just what my mind has built up as needing, but either way it’s definitely something that is destined to make this an exercise in futility for me. I’ve already proven it’s hard enough to go 24 hours, how am I going to go extended periods? I guess the long-term gain is a worthwhile investment, but being as weak as I am when everything around me has dissolved really makes investments, no matter how sound, somewhat of a pipe dream. I guess a big part of it is not knowing the infinite implications of it, like if it’s going to be for good or if it’s gonna pan out that it crumbles or if we change so much as to make it impossible… this infinite of unknown, although the same as what I already had, is not ideally something I want looming. It’s like being a pawn in a game of Chess - you’re forever stuck at the mercy of your master just waiting for your turn for the inevitable to unfold and play out. Of course I’m not playing with swords - but the meaning of the metaphor couldn’t be truer because it feels like I am facing a sword. And quite frankly, it’s pretty angering to be at this point, even if I know that in the end it’s for the best and in the end it’s gonna be something that is necessary to growth on both parts. It’s angering to be thrust to this position given the position we occupied prior to my departure. And most of all, it’s angering that opposing issues lead to the same outcome. I don’t like this loneliness that sits in my belly and eats away at me, making even the smallest task seem like climbing Everest, and I don’t like the feeling of melancholy and worthlessness that follows from being incapable of achieving the smallest of tempests. Right now I’m down in the hole, and I don’t like being here. And even when I fight to get out, something else comes along and dumps on top of me. Sic vita est? The last words of a dying man. I’m not dying, I’ve got plenty of life left, but fuck, I’m still in the same place he was when he stepped onto that hallowed drop. I don’t like it, as necessary it is, but I guess I need to lay in the bed that I’ve made. Let’s just hope it’s not jumping from the frying pan into the fire, and hope the storm is one we can weather.

I made a promise to myself to keep me going, and made a promise to myself to ensure I arrive where I need to - but doing that is something that I’m not sure I can do. It’s like a game of Blackjack where you know the dealer has at least 20 and you’re sitting on 19, waiting for that one card to come out of the deck. The odds are fairly easy to calculate. Is it impossible to do it by way of statistics? No, not by any length. Is it difficult? You can guarantee it. It’s a game of mathematics where you know the statistical chance of achieving an outcome you want, and generally if you know how to exploit those statistics you stand in good chance of a positive return. In that one circumstance banking on a 2 of any face to beat the dealer’s 20 you have roughly 1:12 chance in the absolute best circumstance. Remove one 2 of any face into play and that chance escalates to roughly 1:16, remove two and it’s roughly 1:23 chance, remove 3 and you’re looking at roughly 1:45 chance. In the way of gambling those are fairly safe odds, however in this there is so many factors that bump those statistical figures to what would seem like picking the A♠ out of a million random cards with only one A♠ hidden there. Of course that is easy to work out mathematically, 1:1000000 chance, but a 1 in a million shot is something that seems almost a sure shot at failure. Even thinking about it it becomes, in terms of pure numbers, a fool’s game. Of course the deck is somewhat stacked in our favour in that we’re playing with the majority of the trumps in our hand - however, having the majority of trumps does not guarantee you’ll walk away with the pot. I’m not a gambling man, but I guess this is one gamble I needed to take.

Throw me to the spiders? Indeed. Let’s hope they’re friendly.