a glittering prize

10 Interesting Facts About Windows 7

With information coming to light that Microsoft’s latest flagship OS, Windows 7, will be released sometime next month, there has been a lot of mistruths and misquotes flying around. However, knowing people associated with the project I have 10 interesting facts which will help the software reclaim its place at the top of the food chain as far as operating systems go.

1. While many have said that based on betas available from Microsoft themselves appears to be identical to the current Windows Vista core, this is not the case. All similarities are merely there as a cloaking of the truth – which is that the kernel is composed entirely of signal received via SETI from just inside the boundaries of a Quasar roughly 11.3 billion light years away. This makes Windows 7, by a long shot, the first fully functioning operating system, and as such actually a predecessor to Windows Vista which it serves to replace.
2. As well as DVD installations, Microsoft have added two unique installation methods – Semaphore and Guitar Hero. Both of these would rely on the user inputting programmatic code via their chosen medium – the first being waving a pair of NATO-compliant flags towards the computer based on strings given by the included compiling booklet – and the latter relying on the user inputting the codebase using a Guitar Hero-like UID. When using this second version, if users are capable of playing “Burning On Fire (From Redmond To Hell And Back)” (a track composed by Herman Li and Ted Nugent specifically for the operating system) at at least 95% on Expert, they will unlock a special god mode for the operating system which makes it completely impervious to virus attacks and improves its mana by +4.
3. It is set to include its very own flying saucer. For what purpose it is not yet clear, however, this is meant to be one of its biggest selling points with key demographics – trendy hipsters who have migrated to the Macintosh platform because they like to conform to not conforming; the too stoned to care about much; and the elderly. This last demographic is particularly important as it is one which has long been held by TurboGrafx.
4. Upon rollout, for a limited time Microsoft intends to offer a special introductory price of $49.95 with the purchase of a set of steak knives. This rollout will also see a limited-time version, dubbed “Super Mega Ultra Awesome Fucking Great GT/R Manx TT +1″, a heavily modified version of Windows 7 Ultimate which will see the user going from 0-100km/h in just under 1.3s, a world record for a closed-source hybrid kernel.
5. Every time a new Windows Update needs to restart your system, instead of offering an alert window to inform you – your system will begin to chant “DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!” incessantly and jumping around like it was having an epileptic fit.
6. It will include the ability to run applications which have not yet even been created. This feature is one which is sure to anger many fanboys around the world, as it even allows the user to input abstract concepts and come out with functional applications – and in some rare circumstances, a freshly made tuna sandwich.
7. It will include a free, limited edition leather jacket for improved charisma when online gaming/chatting up 13 year old girls.
8. For the first time in the history of computing, an operating system will have a height requirement. The folks in the R&D department decided that certain groups should be unable to use this system, namely the excessively short. As such, anybody under the height of 150cm will need special platforms to ensure their comfort and safety.
9. There is the ability to run various unique languages natively to the system – Bork, Klingon, Muggle, Izzle, Hyphy, Source Hip-Hop Awards – these are just some of the included languages designed to make users feel more at home.
10. For every baby seal you club, your Windows Experience Index will level up by 0.1, to a maximum of 10. Once you reach 10, you will be capable of compiling and running The Moon amongst other celestial bodies. What does this mean for the end-user? Not only can you have a shitload of fur coats, but you can feel good knowing you are doing your part in the quest for a sustainable universe seeings we’ve fucked up this planet so badly already.

More facts to come as they surface. Stay tuned.
- B